lost picking flowers in the woods

drink up baby, stay up all night. the things you could do. you won't, but you might. the potential you'll be, but you'll never see. the promises you only make. drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days, do what i say. i'll make you ok, drive them away...the images stuck in your head. the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore. they push and shove and won't bend to your will. i'll keep them still. drink up baby, look at the stars. i'll kiss you again between the bars where i'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught. drink up one more time, and i'll make you mine. keep you apart, deep in my heart...seperate from the rest because i like you the best. keep the things you forgot, the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore. they push and they shove and won't bend to your will. i'll keep them still.

I had a dream last night that I had a new phone, new coat, new purse, and this beautiful new car. But the man was the same old man that I always find myself dreaming about.

I woke up. I answered the telephone. I laughed. I brushed my teeth. I got dressed. I left. I was gone. I came back.

I am back. I hear the sound of two televisions entertaining one person and two cats. Wake up San Fransisco, it's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. I've been feeling so exhausted lately and I don't understand why. It might be because I don't sleep and live on coffee and cigarettes, but who knows? I wish I could make sense of something - anything. You know what's one of the worst feelings? When you feel like you're doing your absolute worst at expressing the way you feel about someone or the situation at hand. I can't explain what I mean exactly. It's as if everything you say, anything you do...just all doesn't matter. It's as if you haven't done any of it at all. It's like...something like...it's as if it's all in your imagination and you're the only one who recalls it ever happening.

I will wake up when the telephone rings so loud that I won't be able to ignore it anymore. I'll answer it and I won't be able to stop breaking down and down and down. I brush my teeth because it's the one of the few things left that I sincerely laugh about. I have a funny smile and my cat tries to catch my toothpaste before it hits the sink. I get dressed because someone put clothes all over my bedroom floor. I left them in the closet. I swear I did. But for now, I am gone.

And all I see is where else I could be when I'm at home. Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.

I came here with the intention of typing out some super emo rant/vent, but now that I'm here I've decided against it. I don't know why. But I do know that I'm going to fall asleep early tonight in hopes of actually waking up at a decent hour tomorrow. Thank you, and good night America.

a businessman purchased excessive amounts of tilapia today along with some fish food. the first thought that crossed my mind was,

"how could anyone even a family of thirty three possibly ever in all of the time on the clock hickory dickory dock my thoughts are run on sentences tik tok EVER EVER EVER consume that much tilapia."

the second thought that crossed my mind was,

"so if they're buying fish food they definitely have a pet fish. imagine feeding your pet fish and then sitting down to eat some tilapia as your pet is just hanging out on the sidelines watching you chow down on it's long distant cousin. you know, that applies with birds too. imagine feeding your pet parakeet and then proceed to cook up some chicken breasts. isn't it kind of hypocritical and doesn't it all contradict itself? are the fish and birds consciously aware of what's going on at the dinner table? probably not. i just don't get how people can go from tending to a pet fish one second and then eating some really overpriced tilapia the next. who made up this shit."

the bill was three hundred and something dollars. i asked the kind gentleman if he would have liked to donate a dollar to muscular dystrophy (jerry's kids shamrocks). he replied with, "not today." i wonder why not kind sir? haven't you an extra dollar to spare in your tight budget?

so she told him, "it's because i love him and i'm afraid that if he doesn't come back that i'll...it'll hurt so much that i'll just shrivel up and i'll never be able to love anyone ever again." and he said, "you say that now, but...after a time, you would forget. first, you would forget his chin, and then his nose, and after a while, you would struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes, and one day you wake up and, he's gone: his voice, his smell, his face. he will have left you. and then you can begin again." i hope he's right.

i want to scream at the top of the mountains of my lungs for an unusually long time. i wished on the moon tonight because the stars never listen. i'm exhausted with myself, and myself, and myself. i desire change more than anything, but it's rare that anything ever changes (for the better). VENT VENT VENT BITCH BITCH BITCH COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN, repeat. i look at all of the pictures and read all of the words and want what they all have. they all so seem to be so happy, but everything isn't what it seems. nothing is real, strawberry fields forever. i want to go to a strawberry field. the other day i was working in the foodtown bakery making fancy fruit pies. i was cutting the stems off of the strawberries and glazing them and it was amazing in all of it's entirety. it didn't last long though, like most good things.

I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it. My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

I'll remember someday all the chances we took. We're so close to something better left unknown. We're so close to something better left unknown. I can feel it in my bones. After all of this is gone, who'd you rather be?